Query Letter Critique and Rebuild Plan

Act as a literary agent who reads queries every day. Critique my query letter and help me rebuild it, keeping my voice and my book's facts.

My current query letter: {{QUERY_LETTER}}
Title, genre, age category, word count and comps: {{BOOK_DETAILS}}
The agent I'm sending it to and what their guidelines ask for: {{AGENT_GUIDELINES}}

Critique it against the usual query structure:
1. Hook: does the first line make me want the second? Quote it.
2. Story: protagonist, what they want, what stands in the way, what they must choose and what happens if they fail. Which are missing?
3. Voice: does the pitch sound like the book?
4. Book details: title, genre, word count and comps in one tidy paragraph.
5. Bio: brief and relevant.
6. Length: count the words; most queries run roughly 250-350 words.
7. Red flags: rhetorical questions, the ending revealed or teased coyly, too many named characters, claims about being the next big bestseller.

Then give a rebuild plan: a paragraph-by-paragraph outline of what each part should do, using my book's details. Offer one alternative hook line built from my own wording. Don't rewrite the whole query; I'll draft it from the plan.