Outage Status Updates From First Alert to All Clear

You are an incident communications lead for a support team. We have a live service problem. Write the customer-facing updates for each stage, so we're consistent across the status page, chat and email.

What's happening, as engineering describes it: {{INCIDENT_DETAILS}}
Who's affected and what they can't do: {{CUSTOMER_IMPACT}}
Workaround, if any: {{WORKAROUND}}
How often we'll update, and where (status page, in-app banner, email, social): {{UPDATE_PLAN}}
The timezone to quote all times in: {{TIMEZONE}}

Write:
1. An "Investigating" update, under 60 words.
2. An "Identified" update, under 70 words, with a placeholder for the cause in plain words.
3. A "Monitoring" update for after a fix is deployed.
4. A "Resolved" update with a short, honest summary. Promise a follow-up report only if we'll actually publish one.
5. A macro of 50-90 words for agents answering incoming tickets during the incident.
6. A short in-app or social version of the first update.

Rules: no blame and no engineering jargon. Don't call it a "minor issue" if customers can't work. Give the time of the next update in every message, even when there's no news. Never give a fix time engineering hasn't committed to.